It was the night before Mother’s Day. My Mam really needed a new remote for her TV.
Even though it was not much of a Mother’s Day present, it would do. I was about to buy one when I saw at the back it said, ‘Beware of the Buttons.’ I was going to ask the man what it meant but he vanished into thin air.
I walked home, thinking of testing one of the buttons, but I shoved it in my bag and
legged it home. I ran and ran and ran. Then I stopped and had an idea. I pressed the
Freeze-button. ZAP ! Everyone was suddenly standing still. There was a dog frozen
weeing against a tree. Two people were frozen snogging. Some cars were just about to crash. I pressed Re-wind and everything reversed. Then I pressed Play and everything started moving again. I went home.
The next morning my Mam asked me if I had bought her a Mother’s Day present. I pulled out the remote and pressed Pause. Then I pressed Fast Forward. It was just like a time-machine. I carried on going until I was twenty-two years old. I had grown a
moustache and had long hair. I went to a football match to see how Boro’ were doing.
Three of my old friends from school were playing – Dawson, Murry and Thompson. But
we were getting beaten, 5-0. I pressed the Pause button.
I ran onto the pitch and removed the ref. Then I dressed as a Ref, ran back onto the pitch and pressed Play. Now I could help Boro’ win ! By the end of the match the score was 6- 5 to Boro’.
Twelve years later I was watching Middlesbrough play. By that time I had grown my hair and had a moustache. We were losing 5-0. Fortunately the Ref seemed to be on our side. And we won 6-5…
I was just sitting on a chair watching TV when I noticed that although the TV was the
same as the one upstairs, it had a different remote. I picked it up and pressed the Pause button. Everything froze. I ran to school, but everything was frozen there, too. I pressed Fast-forward for forty-five minutes. When the bell went I saw my friend Martyn.
‘Hello, Martyn,’ I said.
‘Hi,’ he replied.
I asked him what he would do if he had a magic remote.
‘I would strip Paul Kightly naked, take him to a Year II class, stand him on the table and press Play.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ I said. ‘Let’s do it then…’
Liam Murray and Martyn Dawson
Hello and welcome to tonight’s Cage Match between Slammer the 320 pound-man and
Villain the 275 pound-man in a cage match for the World Championship belt. And the
crowd will get their money’s worth now.
They’re in the ring. Villain has been hit by Slammer. He gets up. Slammer is climbing the Cage. But Villain is up. It’s a Moonsault by Slammer. Villain moves but hey – look at
that. Villain is stamping on him. He’s gonna try and lift him for the Piledriver. Oh, he has
just squashed Slammer’s head. Villain is climbing the cage. He Splashes Slammer. But
Slammer doesn’t look too happy. It is the Vertical Suplex. Look at that move, Villain is
dead. I don’t think he can get up.
Hey, who is that little kid with the remote. Everything is frozen still ! He pulls Villain out
of the tombstone and gets Slammer in for the DDT. The kid presses Play. DDT. Surely
he can climb the cage now. But no, it is the elbow in the face. Slammer is up. He whips
him into the Cage. He throws Slammer from the top of the Cage, head first. But Villain is still not finished. It is the Moonsault. Slammer is out. It is the Figure Four Leg Lock.
Slammer is screaming for help. Oh it’s Slammer’s meateaters. They are beating up
Villain. The kid pulls out the remote. He presses the eraser. The meateaters are out. And Villain climbs out of the Cage!
One day I was watching a WWF Flame Match between Kane and Undertaker on TV
when my brother came in. He pinched the remote off me and flicked over the telly. I got up and took the remote off him. He got up and dived on me. I dropped the remote. There was a rattle and a bright flash. I picked up the remote and pressed Pause. Sean was in the way. I noticed that the red light did not come on in the top corner. It was green instead. Sean was still in front of the TV. But he wasn’t moving. I went over to him. He was hard. I pressed Play and he started moving again. I ran out, put my coat on and went to the shop where we bought the remote. I pressed Pause and went in. I picked up another remote, exactly the same and walked across the road with it. Then I pressed Play on the mysterious remote. I decided not to use it ever again. But next day I had a Spanish test…
One day my Mam took me to a Royal Rumble wrestling match. There were three men in the ring when I accidentally touched a TV remote in my pocket. The wrestlers froze. So did everyone else. I got into the ring and nicked the WWF belt off the Rock. Then I did a Shooting Star Press on him, a Kitchen Sink and a Piledriver. I went outside and got all the NWO to come in and beat him up. Then I Primetimed him on a car bonnet and threw him through the car window. Then I got the car-jack and wheel and hit him. I picked up the microphone and said, ‘Who do you think you are ? I am the best there is and the best there was and the best there ever will be.’ Then I Tombstoned him on a truck and Body Slammed him and crushed his head against the door of an ambulance, slamming his head against the computer. I had him upside down and broke his leg. Then it was another Tombstone and I handcuffed him to the car and drove to the Mississippi River. Then I used a ladder to do a Shooting Star Press on him and hit him over the head. I Superstunned him in the water and Powerbombed him all the way to the bottom. Then I got some barbed wire and wrapped him up and 1,2,3 – I won ! And now I am the World Champion.